


Cobblepot Vs Falcone

by Baz



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman (Movies - Nolan), Batman (Movies 1989-1997), Batman - All Media Types, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Batman: Arkham (Video Games), Batman: The Animated Series, Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 13:58:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12459219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz
Summary: One of Oswald Cobblepot's new henchman, Jeremy accidentally starts a war between Cobblepot and Carmine Falcone!Jeremy has to try and find Batman to help stop the war. If he doesn't, Cobblepot will kill him!How will Jeremy find Batman and help stop the gang war in time?By getting himself kidnapped by Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy, hoping that Batman will rescue him.Sounds easy, right?Right?





	Cobblepot Vs Falcone

COBBLEPOT Vs FALCONE

 

Oswald Cobblepot had a new member to his gang, a 26 year old man called Jeremy. Since Cobblepot was a Yorkshire man, his gang consisted of Irish, Scottish, Welsh and Northern English men. But no Southerner English.

 

Jeremy was from Newcastle, he was 5’4 and was the son of one of Cobblepot’s former employees.

 

Jeremy however was not the brightest person in the world. He makes a lot of mistakes and he will make the biggest mistake of his life in our story.

 

His first night on the job was to deliver small bags of heroin to Carmine Falcone. Jeremy was ordered to go into a car with 3 other men; Rob, Jack and Tony.

 

As Rob drove to Falcone’s rendezvous which was in a big warehouse, Jeremy decided to break the ice by telling Rob, Jack and Tony a joke.

 

“Hey, why did the Irishman cross the road?” began Jeremy with a smile. “To get to the pub.”

 

There was silence.

 

“Oh c’mon, lads, it’s funny,” said a disappointed Jeremy.

 

“I’m actually from Northern Ireland,” said Rob in his Derry accent.

 

Jeremy was shocked.

 

“Oh……….sorry, ‘bout that,” he apologized. “It was just a joke.”

 

“I forgive you,” Rob replied sarcastically.

 

“Okay………… did you ever hear the one about the Scotsman who forgot to put on his trousers one morning and had to wear his wife’s skirt?” asked Jeremy trying to soften the blow.

 

“ _I’m_ Scottish,” said Jack in his Aberdeen voice.

 

“Oh……………..,” apologise Jeremy who was starting to panic. “Er, what about the Welshman who couldn’t tell the difference between a leek to an actual leak on his boat?”

 

Tony looked at Jeremy with rage in his eyes.

 

“ _I’m_ Welsh, racist,” growled Tony.

 

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” panicked Jeremy again.

 

“Hey, did you boys hear the one about the English dentist?” Rob asked Tony and Jack.

 

And they burst out laughing and took the mickey out of poor Jeremy throughout the whole journey.

  
  
  
  


“The four Paddies; Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman,” began Tony. “They were all in an aeroplane and were about to parachute home when they reached their country. The flew over Scotland, Scotsman says “This is for the good of Scotland” and parachutes down. They fly over Wales, Welshman says “This is for the good of Wales” and parachutes down. They fly over Ireland. Irishman says “This is for the good of Ireland” and he throws the Englishman out without a parachute.”

 

Rob, Tony and Jack roared with laughter and Jeremy was close to tears.

 

The finally arrived at the warehouse and Rob began his plan.

 

“Right, Jack, Tony and I will deliver the goods and Jeremy, you stay here like a good girl and don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

 

“Okay,” replied a humiliated Jeremy.

 

The other three got out of the car, took the briefcase of heroin and entered the warehouse.

 

They met Falcone and delivered him to stuff and he gave them the money.

 

As they exchanged, Falcone actually had a nice conversation with the trio:

 

“How are the wife and kids?”

 

“Very good, how’s your son?”

 

“I actually saw Il Papa in Rome back in ‘09. I spent my 21st there. How cool was that?”

  
  


40 minutes passed and Jeremy was getting bored. He wanted to turn the radio on, but to do that, you had to turn the car engine on. He got into the front seat and turned the key. Unfortunately, he accidentally leaned on the accelerator causing it to move toward the warehouse. Jeremy never learned how to drive, so he didn’t know how to stop it. He tried to get out, but he had stupidly put the child safety locks on.

 

“HELP! HELP!” he screamed as the car moved forward to the warehouse.

 

CRASH!

 

The car went through the wall and knocked over some of Falcone’s bodyguards. Then it headed toward Falcone himself.

 

Falcone pulled out his pistol and began shooting at the windscreen. With the car heading toward him, Falcone jumped out of the way as the car crashed into some massive crates. It finally stopped.

 

Rob, Tony and Jack were in shock. Falcone looked at them in disgust.

 

“So you were planning to kill me with a secret hitman!” barked Falcone.

 

“No, Carmine,” protested Tony, Rob and Jack.

 

“Well, if dear Cobbles repays with this after 15 years of friendship,” began Falcone. “Then in a week from now, I DECLARE WAR ON COBBLEPOT!”

 

Rob, Tony and Jack couldn’t believe it. They looked at Jeremy with rage.

 

“You have 10 seconds to get your pasty butts outta here!” barked Falcone as his gang arrived with machine guns.

 

At least Jeremy unlocked the safety locks.

 

“10, 9, 8,” began Falcone.

 

Rob, Jack and Tony went into their car and Rob drove right out of the warehouse and back to Cobblepot’s hideout.

 

“Thanks a lot, Jez!” Rob barked at Jeremy.

 

Jeremy was in tears.

 

“Lads, I’m sorry!” he apologised.

 

“When we get home, oh boy, you’re dead,” said Tony.

 

Jeremy knew he was up the creek.

  
  
  
  
  


"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

 

In Cobblepot’s office, the fat gangster looked at Jeremy in disgust.

 

“First night on t’job and you messed it up,” he said to Jeremy.

 

Jeremy stood there in fear of Cobblepot.

 

“Well?” asked Cobblepot.

 

“I’m really sorry,” said Jeremy.

 

Cobblepot looked at him for about 10 seconds. Rob, Jack and Tony knew that something would hit the fan.

 

After a very quiet 20 more seconds.

 

THWACK! Cobblepot punched Jeremy right in the face. Jeremy was dazed. His nose was bleeding and he was delirious.

 

“Hold him!” barked an angry Cobblepot.

 

Jack and Tony held Jeremy by the arms and Cobblepot got up and walked over to Jeremy.

 

“FALCONE AND I WERE FRIENDS FOR OVER A DECADE!” he roared as he kicked Jeremy in the crotch. “AND NOW BECAUSE OF YOU, OUR FRIENDSHIP IS RUINED!”

 

He punched Jeremy in the stomach many, many, many times. Jeremy was in agony. Cobblepot then pulled on Jeremy’s hair and spat phlegm into his face.

 

“Lads, throw this eejit out of the window and into sea!” ordered Cobblepot.

 

“Actually,” began Tony. “If we throw him into sea, his dad will find the body and you will up in even bigger trouble, Cobbles.”

 

Cobblepot looked at Tony.

 

“My God, you’re right, dammit!”

 

“However,” suggested Tony. “There is the meat grinder.”

  
  
  
  


In a meat factory, Jeremy was tied up and was lying on a conveyor belt. The belt would take him into a giant mincing machine.

 

Cobblepot gripped onto the lever with glee and Tony, Rob and Jack grinned.

 

“Been awhile since was used this, lads?” asked Cobblepot.

 

“Oh aye,” replied the others.

 

“But Jezza, I’m a reasonable man,” said Cobblepot. “If you can think of the best way to stop the war a week from now, I’ll let you go. You have one minute.”

 

Cobblepot pulled on the lever. The machine turned on and the conveyor belt began to take Jeremy into the metal jaws of death.

 

 _This is it!_ Thought Jeremy. _I’m going to die!_

 

30 seconds went by and he was this close to dying. The others waited eagerly. They couldn’t wait to see something so sick.

 

Jeremy had to think of something to save his life, but what?

 

10 seconds to go until he’s dog meat.

 

 _C’mon! Think!_ Thought Jeremy as he desperately tried to think of a way to stop the war.

 

He thought the only answer he could think of. It was stupid, but it would have to do.

 

“I WILL GET THE BATMAN TO HELP STOP THE WAR!” cried Jeremy.

 

Just then…………

 

The machine stopped.

 

Jeremy was okay.

 

The tips of his feet were actually touching the metal jaws. One second longer and he would be dead meat.

 

“You’ll get t’Batman?” asked Cobblepot in disbelief.

 

“Y…….. Ye…….. YES!” cried Jeremy. “I WILL FIND THE BATMAN TO STOP THE WAR!”

 

There was silence.

 

“Okay,” said Cobblepot. “Untie him.”

 

Rob, Tony and Jack groaned with disappointment as they untied Jeremy and got him off the belt.

 

“Alright, Jez,” Cobblepot began. “If you can get t’Batman to come to my office in less than a week’s time, I won’t kill you. If you don’t get him, you’ll be back on this belt. Also, don’t even think about leaving Gotham or telling the police. Cos I will find ya and castrate ya! Capisce?”

 

Jeremy nodded his head. He was in tears of fright.

 

“Alright, off you go!” said Cobblepot. “Find Batman.”

  
  
  


The boys threw Jeremy out of the door and onto the street.

 

Jeremy’s quest had begun.

 

But where to find Batman?

 

Jeremy went to the pub and drowned his sorrows in largar.

 

 _Get the Batman to stop the war?_ He thought to himself in disbelief. _What was I thinking? I’m dead!_

 

He left the pub glumly and waddled back home.

 

“GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT, FOTHER MUCKERS!”

 

Jeremy recognised that voice. He looked across the street and saw Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy leaving a liquor store with bags of bottles and were heading into a sex shop. Jeremy had a brainwave and followed them inside.

 

Ivy looked at a gimp suit.

 

“Hey, Harley, take away the chains and mask and what have you got?”

 

“The Catwoman!” growled Harley in disgust.

 

Jeremy’s plan was to get the women to kidnap him so that Batman will save him.

 

So, her nervously walked up to them.

 

“Er, Harley and Ivy?” he asked nervously.

 

“Whataya you want, tea bag?” asked Harley.

 

“I am a big fan of you two,” stuttered Jeremy.

 

“I bet you have our pictures and look at them with tissues and lotion,” sneered Harley.

 

“Yes, I do think you’re both attractive and I would love to be your slave,” said Jeremy.

 

Harley and Ivy looked at each other and grinned.

 

“Never had a slave before,” said Ivy.

 

“Wait, do you have a bug on you?” asked Harley. “You working for the pigs?”

 

“No, I hate the pigs,” replied Jeremy.

 

“Okay, palsy,” said Harley. “You wanna be our slave, you’ve got it.”

 

She and Ivy looked at Jeremy evilly.

  
  
  


So the women took Jeremy back to Ivy’s greenhouse.

 

They humiliated poor Jeremy. They made him clean whilst dressed in a nurse’s outfit, and also wearing nothing but a thong.

 

They took Jeremy fishing. And by that I mean, Harley and Ivy were relaxing on deck chairs on the dock and Jeremy was in the sea with no pants on.

 

“Jeremy, let the bait wiggle and be quick,” Ivy called out to him.

 

“And then……..” Harley said to her.

 

“CLIPS!” laughed Ivy and Harley.

 

Jeremy got a bite, so to speak.

  
  


It had been three days and Batman still hadn’t rescued Jeremy from the clutches of Harley and Ivy.

 

However, one night, the women were feeling generous.

 

“Jeremy, since you suffered so much since you got here,” Ivy told him. “We’re going to give you a treat. How does Chinese and beer sound?”

 

“Sounds awesome,” said Jeremy.

 

“I’ll go get it,” said Harley as she left.

 

“Whilst were we wait for Harley to come back,” Ivy purred to Jeremy. “You’re going to watch me take a shower.”

 

“Oh, okay,” said Jeremy who began to perk up.

 

“But, you will be tied to this chair,” said Ivy. “Just so you don’t get up to any mischief.”

  
  
  


So Jeremy was in the bathroom, tied to an office chair. He looked at the naked Ivy in the shower as she bathed away. As much as he enjoyed looking at Ivy’s curvy body, he had to get the Batman.

 

So when Ivy’s back was turned, Jeremy got a nice view of her ass, but had to resist as he strolled away in his chair out of the bathroom.

 

He made his way to the living room and saw a phone. Using his mouth, he pulled it out of the holster and using his nose, pressed the buttons.

 

He dialed 911.

 

“Hello?” asked the voice on the end.

 

“Hello, police?” he said to the phone. “I’m prisoner of Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn. Could you please send the Batman to come get……..”

 

“JEREMY!”

 

Jeremy knew he had been caught. He turned around and saw the naked Poison Ivy standing there. She was not happy.

 

She walked over and grabbed Jeremy by the shoulders.

 

“I’ve showered in front you and this how you repay me!”

 

It was then Harley came home with the Chinese and beer.

 

“What’s going on?” she asked.

 

“You were right, Harl,” said Ivy. “This little bitch is working for the pigs!”

 

“I knew it!” said Harley. “Oh well, let’s feed him to Audrey 3.”

 

Ivy made vines wrap around Jeremy’s ankles and lifted him up into the air about 10 feet high. The vines brought him over to above a giant Venus Fly Trap. It opened its mouth and was ready to eat Jeremy.

 

“WHAT THE? NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

 

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Harley went over and answered it. In came Nightwing and Batgirl.

 

“It’s just Bat-tits and Nightwang,” said Harley.

 

Batgirl looked away at the naked Ivy.

 

“Oh, do you have to be naked all the time?” she asked,

 

“I am a powerful sexual being,” said Ivy. “When you have a strong sexual power…….”

 

“You become a narcissist,” finished Batgirl.

 

“Anyway, if you’ve come for Jeremy, take him,” said Harley.

 

Ivy made the vines move Jeremy away from the Venus Fly Trap, and dropped him onto the floor. Batgirl untied Jeremy from his chair.

 

“We traced your call,” Batgirl told him.

 

Nightwing got out his Smartphone and took pictures of the naked Ivy.

 

“Oh very sexy,” he purred as Ivy posed sensually for him.

 

“You done?” asked Batgirl.

 

“Just 20 more pictures,” said Nightwing.

 

“C’mon!” said Batgirl as she grabbed Nightwing and they along with Jeremy exited the greenhouse.

 

Ivy and Harley looked at the giant Venus Fly Trap.

 

“Hey, Audrey 3, you can have Jeremy’s Chinese and beer,” Harley told it as she threw both the dish and and bottle straight toward the Venus Fly Trap’s mouth. It ate both of them and was happy.

  
  
  


In the Batmobile, Jeremy was relieved.

 

“Thank you, those two were psycho!”

 

“Why did you want to be kidnapped by them?” asked Batgirl.

 

“I was hoping to get the Batman’s help,” answered Jeremy. “I need him to stop a war.”

  
  
  
  


Batgirl and Nightwing took Jeremy to the Batcave to meet Batman. He had told the Dark Knight the whole story.

 

Jeremy was in tears.

 

“Please, Mr Batman. You really are my last hope!”

 

Batman looked at him.

 

“I’m afraid I can’t stop the war, but I know someone who can.”

 

“Who?” asked Jeremy.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It had now been a whole week and Cobblepot didn’t meet Batman.

 

“Time’s up,” he told his men. “Time to fight Falcone and afterwards, castrate Jezza.”

 

That night both Cobblepot’s army and Falcone’s army hit the streets. The two armies faced each other as Cobblepot’s army was on one side and Falcone’s army was on the other.

 

“Hello, Oswald,” Falcone called to Cobblepot and his army.

 

“Hello, girls,” Cobblepot said to Falcone and his army.

 

“I see you brought your army of potato peelers, men who wear skirts and tea drinkers,” Falcone replied.

 

“Ere! I’m no racist!” said an angry Cobblepot. “I ‘ave nothing against Wops or Yanks, but my lads and I will kick your ‘eads in! All of youse! CHARGE!”

 

Cobblepot lead his army toward Falcone. The latter lead his army toward Cobblepot’s. They raced more and more and more to each other, until…….

 

A ,massive ice beam came from the sky and hit the ground. A massive ice wall was created. It was blocking Cobblepot and Falcone’s paths toward each other.

 

“Oh, if that Freeze bloke is back again!” growled an angry Cobblepot.

 

But from the sky came down a figure.

 

The Man of Steel himself.

 

He landed on top of the ice wall.

 

“Good evening, gentlemen,” he greeted to both armies.

 

Everyone was scared of Superman, and these are criminals who kill innocent people.

 

“Now, Mr Falcone,” began Superman. “Oswald did not sent that boy Jeremy to kill you. You’ve been friends for years. Oswald will never do that to you.”

 

Falcone looked at Cobblepot. And their look made them get a change of heart.

 

“Mr Cobblepot,” Superman told him. “Jeremy is not criminal material, so leave him alone. If you even look for Jeremy, I will find you.”

 

Cobblepot looked at him and just nodded.

 

“So, do you still want to fight?” Superman asked both Falcone and Cobblepot.

 

The crime lords looked at each other and shook their heads.

 

“Well then,” said Superman as he used his laser vision to melt the ice wall.

 

With it melted down, Cobblepot and Falcone walked toward each other and shook hands.

 

“Hey, man, sorry if I accused you……,” began Falcone.

 

“Sorry about calling you a Wop,” replied Cobblepot.

 

“Are we cool, gentlemen?” asked Superman.

 

“Aye,” said Cobblepot.

 

“Si,” said Falcone.

 

“Good,” said Superman as he began to fly up. “And we will meet again. Goodbye.”

 

“Goodbye,” said both armies as they watched Superman fly away.

 

Cobblepot and Falcone looked at each other.

 

“I’ll see youse,” said Cobblepot.

 

“Likewise,” replied Falcone.

 

Then they all went back down the street.

 

“Shame,” said Rob. “I was looking forward to a bit of violence.”

 

“At least we met Superman,” said Tony.

 

“Oh aye,” said Jack.

 

“C’mon, let’s go to the pub and get drunk,” said Cobblepot.

 

And he and his army went to the pub that night for a quiet drink.

 

“I know that Jeremy wasn’t really criminal material,” said Rob. “But something tells me that he got Superman somehow.”

 

“Aye,” said the others.

 

“Ere,” Cobblepot said as his raised his pint. “To Jezza.”

 

“To Jezza!” said they others as they all clinked their glasses.

  


So where is Jeremy now?

 

Well, let’s just say that he got a job working in The Daily Planet.

 

No more crime or torture for him.

 

And he learned not to tell anymore racist jokes.

 

He also told people about his outrageous adventure.

 

He was considering of writing a book about it.

 

If he does, it might be a best seller.

 

THE END

  
  
  
  



End file.
